


Coming of middle-age

by kaige68



Category: Original Work
Genre: I'll tag as it comes to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-18 18:03:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 18,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14857577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaige68/pseuds/kaige68
Summary: Why would a 55 year old woman of reasonable means pack up and hitch her way out?





	1. Keys

**Author's Note:**

> This morning on my way to work, driving through a nice predominantly residential neighborhood, a woman was hitch-hiking. I wanted to know why. And then there was the beginning of this.
> 
> I'm hoping to do a bit of this every day. It's not all written yet, and I don't know where it's going.
> 
> Please be gentle with concrit and corrections. They are welcome, but ... I do cry easily. ;)

She caught a glimpse of herself as she stood at the hall table taking her car fob off her keyring. She'd done her hair and she wasn't quite sure why.

She placed her house key neatly on the table as well.

Leave-in conditioner, volumizing mousse, blow-dry, curling iron, slight tease at the top. It wasn't until she picked up the hairspray that she'd finally had the thought- I don't need this. She tossed it and her perfume in the trash.

The key to her mother-in-law's house joined the line on the table. 

She looked like she had it together. Like her efforts were intentional. Like her actions weren't just the result of thirty-some-odd years of habit.

There was one more key on the ring. For the life of her she couldn't remember what it unlocked. She put it down on the table, then the empty monogrammed key ring that came from someone on some gift giving occasion was set down as well.

Looking in the mirror again she took stock one more time, then she turned away. She pulled her warm green rain coat from the closet and put it on. She hiked the red bag over her right shoulder and picked up the black one in her left hand.

Making a fist with her free hand she stuck her thumb up. Fifty-five, frosted hair, creased jeans and a catalog coat: not the average hitch-hiker. She mentally waved goodbye to what she had seen in the mirror and headed out the front door.


	2. Friends

She’d made the decision yesterday morning. She’d come up from the basement with another load of laundry to find two missed calls, one -voice mail and a text. Mother-in-law, husband, husband, and mother-in-law. Nothing from anyone she wanted to talk to, nothing that would be worth the time it took to deal with it.

And that was it. The moment she sighed, put the basket of clothes to be folded on the kitchen table, and reached for the phone, it occurred to her that none of it was worth the time. It wasn’t a feeling of depression, it was a feeling of need. She wanted to do something that was worth the effort, time, and resources it took. It wasn’t about getting gratitude in return or feeling needed. It was about feeling human at the end of the day. She didn’t know when the last time she felt like a person was.

She texted Sara, who was always willing to take a long elbow-bending lunch. Then she texted Sarah who never worked Mondays. Inside of 5 minutes lunch was a go. 

She checked the alerts on her phone when she got to the restaurant. Left Ted a voice mail, returned Liz’s texts that had multiplied by that time, and then she texted the boys asking that they stop by for dinner.

There was no plan on what she wanted to do. No sight she wanted to see. Just… Out and forward and more.

Lunch was fantastic, long, and funny. She’d managed to slip the house key that Sarah had given her, the ‘in case anything happens to me, empty this drawer so my children don’t’ key, back into Sarah’s purse. And she relaxed. And she enjoyed.

She hadn’t said goodbye, she hadn’t clued them in at all. They wouldn’t have talked her out of anything, they would have suggested they come along or offered to help. They would have made her plan though. And that was the part she didn’t want. The more she thought about it, the better chance she’d talk herself out of it.

She turned onto Main street, with the comforting reminder of an enjoyable lunch with her Sara(h)s. Thumb out, she began walking backwards toward the highway.


	3. Chris

She was almost to the highway. Had just reached the lights where she knew she'd have to make a choice of where she was actually going to go. The light turned red and a pick up stopped, the passenger door was pushed open by the driver.

“Where you heading?” He asked with one brow raised thinking she looked as out of place as she knew she did.

“I don’t know.” She confessed with a slow breath. “West?”

He smiled and gestured her in. “I can take you as far as Worcester.”

Placing the black bag on the bench seat she eyed the man. She remembered warning the boys about hitch-hiking. Remembered being so afraid of the idea in high school and college. And now she stood in the road trying to judge if a man might be a criminal by glancing at him.

The Fiat behind the truck beeped. The light was green.

She pulled herself and her red bag in the truck cab with awkward efforts and closed the door behind her. The truck moved forward and eased onto the highway as she left one bag between them, one bag on her knees and belted herself down.

She’d have grounded the boys for life if she’d ever heard of them doing anything like she'd just committed into. Climbing into a truck with a stranger and heading in a vague direction. Brian wouldn’t have ever done it, even at his wildest. Chris though… She’d have to ask him someday.

Thinking about them made her smile. Chris still lived at home, technically, legally. He was never going to marry Kayla unless she pushed him, and Kayla was never going to push him. And that was actually fine. They were good for each other (although no one would ever be good enough for either of her babies). But neither of them had any drive to have a house or kids, and right then, feeling the truck merge onto the highway, that didn’t bother her at all. 

Chris spent two nights at the house with her, two nights at Kayla’s apartment, two nights at the house… He had a job he was good at, even if he didn’t enjoy it. As his mother she felt a bit of guilt at that. ‘Get a job first and then be happy’ seemed like a horrible thing from where she currently sat.

“Joe.” The driver held his right hand over the black bag. 

She reached as well. “Debbie.” They shook hands.

“What has you on the road this early, Debbie?”

“I’m running away from home.” She faced forward and felt her shoulders settle with more confidence than she’d felt in a while.

“Are things that bad?”

“No, they were pretty good actually.” There were no worries about keeping a roof over their heads, no concern about where the next meal was coming from. No one had hurt her.

“Then why?”

“It was time for that part to be done.” She smiled brightly looking at the morning commuter traffic and the overcast sky. “It was past time.”


	4. Brian

“You have kids?” Joe asked when the traffic stopped them.

“Two boys.” She answered with another quick smile. “One will be 30 next month and the other turned 27 a few weeks ago.” She grinned harder when she saw Joe relax a little. “You?”

“Daughters. Fifteen and twenty-four.”

“That’s a big age difference. I’m a bit envious.” She had loved that time between Brian’s birth and Chris’. She wouldn’t trade either of them for anything, but that almost 3 years when Brian had been her constant companion were a kind of magic she’d never had with Chris. Watching him learn to walk without keeping an eye out for another child getting into things. Documenting all his firsts. Happy smiling round face looking up from the highchair while he applauded at having been handed Cheerios. Before there were more distractions, a bigger house, and going back to work. 

“Nah, different wives.” He said it as if it explained everything. “I’d have liked to see the older one more, to have them be closer in age and maybe be closer as sisters.”

Nodding she asked. “Do you see the older one much?”

“Yeah,” His face lit up. “Gonna be a grandfather in August. You have any grandkids?”

“No.” She laughed her answer.

Brian had told her before he and Dan had bought a house that they weren’t planning kids. She would have liked one or two, would have liked to be helpful with her kids raising kids, but she wasn’t desperate for them, she never felt the drive for them she’d seen in some of her friends. Her oldest son didn’t even have a full-time job. 

As soon as that thought crossed her mind she felt shamed by it. Brian liked what he did, he got to be creative and teach others. He’d have liked to be able to always make ends meet with it, but it wasn’t the nature of his career. And while Dan worked full time… Debbie was never sure how they had qualified for a mortgage. Doing their laundry when their used washing machine had died seemed like the least she could do to help. Brian loved what he did, he loved Dan. Sure, those things and good health were ‘all you could ask for’, but didn’t you always ask for just a little bit more? Even if you couldn't say it out loud.

Joe broke her out of her thoughts with another question. “Do your boys know you left?”

They hadn’t come to dinner the night before like she’d asked, but she didn’t think she’d have told them even if either of them had showed up. “No, I would have only told them if I wanted them to stop me.”


	5. Liz

Joe’s phone buzzed with a text. He glimpsed at the phone but didn’t pick it up. 

“Do you want me to read that for you, or respond?” Debbie could at least be helpful.

“Nah, it’s just work.”

And wasn’t that completely different from Ted, who only ignored his mother? Debbie looked at the black bag on her left. Her own cell phone was in there, turned off, and probably had her first text of the day from Liz.

Her mother-in-law wasn’t horrible, as mothers-in-law went, or so she’d heard. Liz didn’t call or text before 8 or after 7. She’d never point blank said that Debbie was a bad wife or mother, never said out loud that she wasn’t good enough for her precious only child. Yes, the woman always acted as though she felt that way, but she never said anything in front of anyone. But then Debbie had heard that Liz’s mother-in-law had been a dragon so she supposed Liz had some compassion.

Everyday there were text messages with groceries Liz needed. Liz even coded her texts. Butter-w meant that she needed it with the weekly shopping. Dash T meant she’d need it same day. And while the woman could never seem to text an entire list at once and did one text per item as she came across them, she did limit the things she needed right away to things that could be purchased at a convenience or chain drug store. But it was all still preferable to actually taking Liz grocery shopping. 

At seventy Ted’s mom wasn’t as mobile as she used to be. She was, however, tech savvy. She didn’t ask Debbie to pick up and pick out gifts she needed to get, or household items, but she was afraid of delivery men who might know she lived alone so everything was delivered to Debbie.

The boys avoided their grandmother when they could. Sunday dinner once a month, and Debbie sent them over with completely sealed laundry bags every week (alternating sons). Ted avoided her significantly more. Debbie’s last text from him yesterday was “Whatever my mother is texting about will you please call her?”

That had been the tone of how he dealt with his mother since Brian was born. She figured Liz had said something to her son back then. About Debbie not breast feeding, about the way Debbie swaddled the baby, about the time she put Brian to bed. Debbie never asked, not wanting to put her husband in the middle, but that’s when Ted stopped answering the phone at home and started asking Debbie to tell Liz he’d call her the next day.

Ted’s father had been a dick. Debbie never envied Liz’s marriage, and was immensely grateful that Ted wasn’t like the man. Liz deserved to live comfortably with no concerns, it was just that… Precious Ted could have done more.

“Do you work?” Joe asked as they finally got a break with the traffic. 

“No.” She picked at a thread on her coat zipper. “I was working per diem, covering office tasks when one of the admin assistants was out at my husband’s office. Mostly helping out with vacations or maternity leaves.”

“Not anymore.” Joe paid attention to changing lanes.

“It felt weird after my husband filed for divorce.”


	6. Ted

“Is that why you’re running away?” Joe asked some really good questions.

“No.” She said immediately. And then she thought better of it. “Maybe, in part.” 

While she packed the night before all kinds of things ran through her mind. Things that mostly reinforced her decision to go.

She was no longer needed for the things that specifically needed her. Ted wanted out. Sure, she wanted to scream at him and throw things at him, and maybe stab him a little, but she couldn’t completely blame him. She completely understood him.

He came home from work one day, sat down at the table while she called for pizza delivery. Their typical Thursday night. He’d been tense for over a week. The kind of way he got when he had to make a decision. When he needed to decide to take the promotion that meant more work he didn’t like. When he made up his mind to move his mother into senior housing instead of moving her into their home. He’d work out the benefits of both sides, the downfalls of both, he’d try to see how his choices would work out. He’d be short tempered and distracted. And then he’d tell her what he’d decided and ask if she thought the same thing. She hadn’t pushed because he’d form an opinion and then ask for hers.

I don’t want to be married to you anymore. That was all he said. And then he’d sat there quietly for a full minute while she stared at him like she’d never seen him before. Not that he didn’t think their marriage was working. Not that he’d found some nubile twenty-two-year-old who made him feel like a real man. He just didn’t want her anymore. Jackass. 

He told her (and the delivery kid) that he was facing retirement, and when he thought about what he wanted for his golden carefree days, it wasn’t her. She was too rigid, too scheduled. She did too much. She’d have him constantly working around the house or running errands for her.

She didn’t say much to him that night, other than to tip the pizza kid really well. Her mind went everywhere. She was scheduled because she had to be. She didn’t want pizza every Thursday. She didn’t want to grocery shop every Friday morning. Update the calendar, double check the budget, pay the bills on Monday. Clean out the closets quarterly. Spring cleaning, fall cleaning. Sunday dinner. Monthly game night on the second Saturday of the month. She wanted to be … 

Debbie had planned to be spontaneous once Ted retired. 

And she understood what a stupid concept that was. But it was true. She imagined a smaller house. She pictured waking up whenever they wanted, asking each other what they wanted to do with their day. Only going to the boys’ homes when invited. Traveling together to doctor appointments, having groceries delivered, random trips to locations that sounded interesting in whatever they had been reading recently.

Sara had been livid. Sarah wanted to know if he wanted such a big change in his life why he hadn’t looked for a different job. 

The boys were confused and angry. Angry at Ted, angry at her. Chris slept at home for a week. Brian didn’t call her back for two weeks.

“He pointed out that I was no longer needed.” Debbie told Joe. When he looked like he was going to tell her that she was wrong, she pushed forward with what was on her mind. “I’m not needed. The boys are as raised as I’m ever going to raise them. My earnings aren’t necessary to keep the house functional. What I do now for my family can be done by a service. Cleaners, delivery boys, laundromats. I’m loved, not by Ted, but I’m loved.” She let out the breath she’d been holding as they passed route 2. “I don’t like my day to day life, and if what I DO in life can be outsourced then why am I doing it?”

“You want to find yourself?” Joe made a face at the hippie/new age feel of the phrase.

“A little, but I want to find … more.” She looked him in the eye. “A willful more.”


	7. Sorting

Debbie started grilling Joe about his family and life. Not invasive questioning, but her running away from home had been the elephant in the truck, and it was polite to ask questions about him. Wasn’t it?

Joe was personable, excited about his soon-to-be grandchild. Wasn’t sure if he would look more forward to a boy, which would be foreign to him, or a girl that he could do things for he wasn’t able to do with his oldest daughter. His youngest had a dance recital coming up. His wife ran her own small business, his ex-wife was the evilest woman on the face of the planet but without her there would have been no oldest daughter. He supposed she was a necessary evil.

Debbie didn’t fear for her life with Joe. She actually thought for half a second that she should invite him and wife #2 to game night. She laughed internally, bitterly. Never again.

It had been eight weeks since her last Thursday night Pizza night. Six weeks since it had been decided to sell the house. Ted, it turned out, wasn’t the guy who let his devoted wife have the house. No, Ted was the guy who said that since she was not employed or underemployed since they got married, he should get the bulk of the value of the house. Ummm? No.

And then he dropped his laundry off for Debbie to wash.

Was she the only person in the world who knew how to wash underwear?

She’d been cleaning out the house since. Sarah’s husband was a realtor, and while Ted wasn’t thrilled with Debbie’s choice, he hadn’t wanted to do any of the running around, cleaning, or paperwork to get the house sold. Jim had been polite about the choochkies in the house, suggesting they get paired down a bit. Sarah had shown up with three trash barrels and two boxes of wine saying that people wanted to buy a house they could see their own family in, not just Debbie’s family.

Sara showed up with a document scanner from work and copied photographs, documents, report cards, and refrigerator drawings. Everything went up to the cloud where Debbie sorted things. Multiple trips to the bank the deposit box she and Ted shared, as well as one she opened for herself. Emails with cloud links went out as she organized.

For five weeks she’d been sorting thirty plus years of life into trash, charity, force it on someone else, or keep it for whatever condo she ended up in. Things she felt she had to keep when they’d happened, but years later it was just a stack of crayon drawings that they boys didn’t want her to get rid of but didn’t want to hang onto themselves.

She had a divorce lawyer (Thank you Sara), paperwork was all underway. The next year would only be more and more things. Someday Ted would remember that when Debbie’s father passed they’d put the money away for retirement. In Debbie’s name. They’d used it a couple of times. When the roof needed replacing while Brian was in college. And she’d taken some out when they booked their trip for their twenty-fifth anniversary (the hotel had been a lot more than Ted had wanted to spend). She’d made a few of Brian’s mortgage payments.

Ted would be smart enough to try and hide things from her. She already knew about his bonus check, even if she hadn’t called him on it. Debbie didn’t want to be petty, but she wasn’t going to be trusting either. She didn’t figure that after thirty-three years of promises he could just decide he wanted something else without providing her a way to find something else of her own. She’d told Sara half, she would stick with it.

Getting the house ready to sell, getting her finances ready to divorce, was probably what spurred her decision yesterday morning. She knew what she couldn’t live without, she knew what was no longer crucial. She’d gleaned out the superficial and superfluous. 

She had two bags of things she wanted when Joe dropped her off in Worcester.

When she realized where he was leaving her, Debbie raised one questioning brow.

“Don’t hitch anymore. This is where I’d want someone to leave my ex if she’d thumbed to Worcester, and I want her to contract an embarrassing STD. I’m sure you’ve got some cash in there, and you’ve probably got access to more. Take a bus or a train. See America. Find your inner… whatever.”  
She smiled at him. “Can I give you gas money?”

Joe laughed. “No, just don’t let me be the last person who saw you. Tell your boys where you are every day or so.”

She thanked him again, told him her last name (so he could keep an ear on the news), and she hopped out of the truck.


	8. Worcester

She bought a ticket to Cleveland.

She loved the Worcester station. It made her think of movies where people dressed up to travel. A time before people took their shoes off, dropped their hair over the back of their seat, or reclined their chairs so much you could count their fillings. It was a grand place. Just so grand. And a great stepping off point.

Worcester Union Station provided her with the option of train or bus, she still had no idea where she wanted to go, but she decided bus rather than train. It seemed like it would be less cash to give up when she wanted to save her credit and debit card for actually needing them. She’d taken a chunk of cash out of the bank after lunch with the Sara(h)s on Monday, stuffed it into pockets of different pieces of clothing she’d packed and where ever else she though people might not go looking if they robbed her. Again, she thought of how lucky she was that Joe stopped for her and not someone else. 

She asked the ticket agent where she could go for around a hundred dollars. Apparently, she was crazy and the ticket reservation system didn’t work like that. Destination first and then fare pricing. She threw the idea of Buffalo at the agent, and then nixed it in her own head. It was west, but all she associated with it was snow. She thought about DC, and then Cleveland occurred to her. Tickets started at just under a hundred. Sold!

There was a bus just after noon, but a three AM arrival, and not much sounded worse than arriving in Cleveland with no specific plans at three in the morning. The three PM bus had two transfers, so, no. But the 8:45 was direct, arrived at 11 the next morning. And hey, there was free WIFI and power outlets. For a little extra she got advanced/priority boarding. Who knew? All that and she would only have to wait a little over eleven hours.

There was no place that she could cram either of the bags while she ambled around Worcester, and the bags were also too big to really do much with while she wasted time. There were two different chain coffee shops nearby, so Debbie hit one for lunch, one for dinner, and back to the first to something to take on her trip while she hung around the pretty station.

The absolute hardest part of the day was not turning on her phone. Not checking in with the boys. Not texting her friends. She read intermittently on her e-reader that she intentionally kept off of the WIFI. She tried to picture what her family and friends would think, if any of them would even know she’d left yet. She tried to figure out a solution that wouldn’t have them worrying about her, screaming at her, or pitying her.

And she tried to figure out what she was doing. Where was she going, what was the point, what was her goal?

When had she lost her goals?

She’d made such big plans throughout her life. International ballerina/alligator trainer. Painter/poet. Financial advisor and mom. Mom and CPA. Retired grandparent team with a cozy home. Goals morphed like that. Priorities changed as life happened. Some goals you reached, some you adapted. Sometimes you thought better of things, and there were others that you gave up on. Debbie just hadn’t noticed before that she’d realized or abandoned all of hers. 

If this was mid-life crisis, she finally got it. No wonder you did stupid things. Feeling younger, like you still had choices and ambitions worth striving toward was absolutely what her brain needed. She could hear Brian and Chris in her head. “Our mother doesn’t buy a sports car. Doesn’t rent a cabana and a cabana boy. No, our mother takes a bus to Cleveland for no discernable reason. We’d have preferred the cabana boy.”


	9. Emails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, allergies hit hard. Hope to catch up soon.

She scheduled three emails during her all-nighter of packing, cleaning, and purging. They went out at 2 pm while she was futzing around Worcester Union Station.

Liz,  
I’m going on a vacation. I’ve contacted my friend Kara who has a home concierge service, if you could email her your entire grocery list by 8PM on Wednesday she will get them delivered to you on Friday morning. On Friday they will also pick up your laundry and get it back to you Monday. One of the boys will drop off the bags of yours that are here now.  
Kara will also let you ship things to her, and they’ll give you a brochure with a list of their other services when they are there on Friday. I’ll have the boys keep an eye out for anything that might be shipping already. Kara’s rates are reasonable and she will give you a discount if you decide to keep her. I paid for this week’s service.  
If you need anything urgently and Kara’s people can’t manage it, call Ted’s secretary and have her leave him a message.  
Good luck 

Debbie had written and rewritten the message a number of times trying to politely say that she was done running her mother-in-law’s errands whether she came back or not. She wasn’t going to apologize, but she’d enabled the woman for years and she did feel bad for that.

She was the second one on the bus in Worcester, there were a handful of people already on the bus, the older woman ahead of her who was smashing her bag against anyone who had the misfortune of an aisle seat turned around and leveled a look at Debbie at about the fourth set of seats. “You’re not going to be one of those chatty neighbors, are you?”

“No.” and Debbie made sure to sit a few rows away and on the opposite side of the bus.

_Ted and Jim,_  
I am heading out on vacation. Below I’ve left the contact information for both of you.  
Ted, please find some time to meet with Jim and sign the papers to get the house on the market. He’d like to start the showings ASAP.  
Jim, the house is clean and waiting for you. Someone will stop by to vacuum and dust weekly. Thanks.  
Good luck 

When the bus stopped in Albany, the angry woman moved a row closer. At three in the morning in Syracuse the woman moved across the aisle. Debbie stared her down and put in her ear phones, she moved her black bag to the window seat and tried to get some sleep.

_Brian & Chris,_  
I’m taking a trip. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I will be in touch and let you know where I am.  
There are a couple of things that I need you two to do. Nana is all taken care of for laundry and groceries with my friend Kara. I just need the laundry that is in the basement brought to her in the next day or two, it’s ready to go. Please do not let her call Kayla, I don’t think she’ll ask either of you for help.  
The house is going on the market in the next few days. Please keep it clean. You are welcome to continue to live here and use the washer and dryer, just leave it looking the way it does now. Kara will be by once a week to vacuum and dust until the house is under contract.  
This is going to be hard, but your father is not to be in the house without one of you. He does not have the new keys, and I do not want to have them either. If he asks just say “Mom said.”  
I left my car key. Brian, you are welcome to borrow it while I’m gone.  
Again, you can use the house as much as you like, there is extra laundry detergent in cabinet at the foot of the basement stairs, just leave everything like you found it  
I love you both. 

Mrs. Angry move back to her original seat when they stopped in Buffalo. She spent the rest of the rest of the trip chatting happily to the college age girls who’d just gotten on the bus.

Again, Debbie spent her time keeping herself from checking her texts, from logging into her e-mail, from making calls. It felt a little lonely, but a little comfortable at the same time. 

She was also torn on what she was hoping for as a reaction from people over her leaving. She didn’t want to cause a large amount of drama, but at the same time, she did. She wanted someone to worry that she was doing the right thing, she wanted more than just the Sara(h)s to egg her on. She felt as though she’d spent so much time worrying about other people, and felt selfish for wanting some of that back, but she did want some of that back.

At 8:30 on Wednesday, somewhere outside of Erie, PA, Debbie finally turned on her phone. She needed to find out where to stay in Cleveland. It was one thing to think of hitch-hiking and bussing off to places unknown, it was something else entirely to face having no place to sleep and shower. She was a full day away from home and needed both.

In the flurry of notifications that came up on her phone she noticed Liz’s name with the words ‘It’s about time.’ She opened it to find it said simply that, followed by “I do love you, be careful, enjoy.”

She smile-cried in her seat.

The most recent text in her queue was from Sara at 7:30 Tuesday night. “Brian is calm now, don’t worry about him. Sarah got Ted’s signature. We are proud of you. If you need us to come and meet you or come get you to take you anywhere you want to go let us know, we’ll be right there.”

Debbie felt years lighter. She found a hotel in Cleveland and booked a room for two days.


	10. Chapter 10

“Are you in Cleveland for business or pleasure?” The chipper woman asked as Debbie checked in to her hotel. She was early for check in, hoping desperately that they had an already cleaned room so she could just shower and sleep, and eat, she hadn’t eaten a real meal either. Damn.

“I’m soul-searching.” Debbie handed her a license and credit card.

“In Cleveland?”

“It was this or Buffalo.”

The desk clerk laughed.

She’d read through all the e-mails and texts while she was on the bus. There was a hell of a group text that involved her sons, Kayla, and her Sara(h)s. Ted was cc’d on the texts but never responded to the group. He did, however, text her on his own. The best of them included ‘I can’t believe that you ran away because you couldn’t handle a divorce’, ‘Do not expect me to do all the house stuff on my own if you want any of the money’, and her favorite ‘Who told you to have my mother call my office? WTF?’ Debbie hoped that Liz asked for hemorrhoid cream. She didn’t respond to Ted.

“I’m in Cleveland.” She sent to both the boys and then to the Sara(h)s as the bus pulled into the station. Brian called before she was off the bus. She texted that she’d call him from the hotel.

The hotel was lovely to look at. Kind of a cross between Pemberley and a state school building. Yellow brick, and strong square shapes. Kind of a federal elite looking place. And by the time she reached the lobby there was a flurry of texts from both of her friends with local sights, tours, and restaurants. Chris had texted to call him after she called Brian.

The desk clerk couldn’t put her in a room for another hour, but she offered to hold her bags and pointed her in the direction of a restaurant that was only a block away. She called Brian on the way. 

He hemmed and hawed, she had to finally push him to ask whatever it was that he was afraid to ask. Finally, he said “Is there someone else? Or did Dad do something? Did he hit you?”

“No, Brian. Nothing like that. I’m not dating. And your father didn’t do anything to me. “ She sighed and hovered outside of the restaurant.

“THEN WHY ARE YOU IN CLEVELAND?”

She took a deep breath and then said very calmly. “You don’t get to yell at me. I’m an adult. I wanted to get away, I went on a trip. That’s it. It’s not about you, it’s not about your father.”

“Get away from what? What do you do that is so much you need to get away from it?” His voice lowered in volume but not tone.

“You don’t get to talk to me like that.”

“YOU LEFT EVERYTHING FOR US TO DO!”

She wanted to tell him one more time not to speak to her like he was but she lost it. “What did I leave for you? I asked you to drop your grandmother’s laundry off. THAT is all I left for you. I did your laundry, I cleaned the house, I set up all of your grandmother’s errands, I called a cleaning company. What did I leave on your plate, Brian?

“What about the realtor? Who’s going to let him in? Who’s going to schedule the showings? What about that?”

“Jim has a key, he will text you both with showing times so that you won’t be there. But you know this. Are you mad that I didn’t tell you I was going? Are you mad that… You know what, Brian? I don’t care. I’m doing something for me. It’s time for me to be the center of my own damn life- “

“You had kids! You can’t- “

“YOU ARE THIRTY!” She took a deep breath. “You are thirty and you are married. Chris is capable of taking care of himself too. And your father opted… out.” 

She waited a minute and could almost hear him thinking. “Now, I am tired, I’ve been traveling since yesterday morning, and I didn’t sleep in order to get ready for this trip. I am heading into a restaurant to get something decent to eat, and then I’m going back to my hotel to sleep. I love you. No matter how you think you can talk to me.”

She heard him sigh. Sometimes he was so much like his father, and sometimes she could see only herself in her oldest son. “I’m sorry. I love you.”

“I know, hon. That’s why I put up with you.” They both laughed. “I’ll text you tomorrow and see if there is a cool postcard or t-shirt.”

“Yeah,” He said blandly. “A Cleveland t-shirt, I’ll be the envy of all my friends.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

She texted Chris and told him she’d call after she ate. She wondered how to ask him if Brian gave Ted house keys, the conversation she’d just had reeked of guilt.

She stepped up to the hostess and proudly asked “Table for one, please?”


	11. Chapter 11

“Brian said he yelled at you.” Is the way Chris answered her call.

“He did.” She threw the two bags on her bed and pulled the key to the locks from her pocket.

“Are you physically okay?”

“Yes.” She answered simply knowing there would be more questions.

“Why Cleveland?” 

“The bus was about a hundred dollars from Worcester.” She smiled at the pause on the other end of the call. “She’s very good for you. I’m glad.”

Her baby laughed. “Yeah, Kayla keeps me from becoming Brian. And be tee dubs, the neighbors will be thrilled when Uncle Jim puts up the For Sale sign.”

“That bad?” She pulled out a change of underwear and her favorite pjs.

“He was loud, I was loud, Dad was loud. Kayla was the voice of reason pointing out that you’d left the keys and set things up for Nana, so you hadn’t been kidnapped.” She could hear him smile. “Which was one of Brian’s theories.” 

“Was Dan there? Was aliens an option?” She felt much better at his fully comfortable laugh.

“No, no Dan. So how did you get to a bus station in Worcester?”

“I did the unthinkable and hitch-hiked.”

Chris paused for a while before speaking. “Have we reached the point in life where you are going to tell me how much you drank in college?”

“HA! No, I don’t think your ready for that.” Debbie laughed and tried to figure out where she packed her hair brush. “I’m okay. Really.”

“I can tell. Brian yelled at me last night that it was my fault, because if I had been there for dinner on Monday I could have stopped you.” Debbie’s heart tore a little at how guilty her son sounded.

“I wouldn’t have told either of you.”

“That’s what Aunt Sarah said. I … uh… Kayla and I have been looking at apartments. We signed a lease on Monday night.”

Debbie was excited. It was great news. If anything would push him out it would be that she would have to move and he most likely wouldn’t want to be there unless she needed him, and who knew how long it would take to sell the house. But a new place with Kayla would be the best case scenario, and not feel to him like he was crashing at her place.

After discussing the new apartment, what they’d need for furniture, what they could take from the house she finally asked, “So?”

And generally, that was all she ever needed to get Chris to rat out Brian and why her oldest was feeling guilty.

“He let Dad take some boxes out of the house. Two from the attic, one from the basement. Brian and I were both feeling guilty for not seeing you Monday night, and Dad just kind of seized the moment saying that you had promised to meet him there and go through some things with him but that … We all knew it was crap. He was going through the coat closet when Auntie Sara showed up and after she pulled him out to the porch and locked the door so that all of us were outside… Dad asked Brian if he could have his set of keys for a couple of days… You know that thing Dad does when he thinks he’s whispering?”

They laughed again until Debbie let out a jaw cracking yawn. “Oh. I am sorry hon.”

“I know, you can’t sleep in a moving car. Did you sleep Monday night?”

“No. I’m going to shower and collapse as soon as we’re off the phone.”

“Is the hotel clean? Do you need me to send you money?”

“The hotel is very nice. Thank you, I’m all set. Whatever this trip costs, I can afford it.”

“You hitch-hiked to Worcester, Mom.”

“Okay, yes, I did. But that wasn’t about the money, that was about not thinking things through. Hey, Chris, I don’t want you to beat yourself or let your brother do it either. I wouldn’t have told you I was going, and if you had slept at the house I would have waited until after you went to work. I needed to get away. If either of you saw me Monday it wouldn’t have made a difference. I am that stubborn.” Debbie yawned again. “Don’t let Brian feel guilty, whatever your father took is fine.”

“I’m supposed to meet him after work. We’ll talk. Go get some sleep, Mom. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

“Don’t hitch-hike to Columbus.”

“Why would I go to Columbus?”

“Call me tomorrow, crazy old woman.”


	12. Chapter 12

She woke up at 9:30, not willing to face going downstairs to the restaurant, she asked the front desk and was referred to a “Killer Pizza” place that would deliver. Debbie checked her phone and then found something that she could wear to the lobby to pick up a pizza. There was another text from Ted about how his mother had been calling him all day, and then one from him about how he would like to set up a meeting with her to go over the contents of the house. She replied to the second one only mentioning how she would speak to her lawyer.

There were texts from each of the boys. Just simple I love yous with mentions of how they would come get her if she needed them, and to come home when she found what she was looking for.

There were texts from the Sara(h)s. Asking to call them after she woke up, and to not go to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame without them.

Once she had the pizza back in her room, she made the call to Sara. Before she could even mention that she wanted to talk about the divorce for a minute, Sara had conferenced in Sarah.

“I’m serious! Do NOT go without us!” 

“I promise.” Debbie pledged through gooey cheese.

“What are you eating?” Sara asked.

“Really good extra cheese pizza.”

“Okay,” Sara clapped her hands in the background. “We’re on our way. Aerosmith and extra cheese pizza. Why have we never been to Cleveland before?”

They all giggled until Sara asked “Are you doing okay? Chris said you hitch-hiked to Worcester.”

“Chris has a big mouth.”

“Like you wouldn’t have told us anyway?” came at the same time as “You trained him well to rat on his brother, this is the payback.”

Both points were true. “I’m fine.”. She felt energy drain out of her and heard Sarah close the French doors to her sunroom. Conversations in the sunroom always meant business. “I don't know what I want.” Debbie said simply.

“But you think it might be in Ohio?”

“I don't know.”

The no-nonsense always came from Sara. “What does that mean, you don't know what you want?”

Debbie pulled the bed pillows close around her. “When you're little you picture what it's like to be grown up. Then you go on and picture a wedding, a groom.”

Sarah continued for her. “A career, kids, what you want for your kids.”

Debbie nodded, felt her tears start.

One of them sniffled.

“I suppose hitch-hiking to a bus station and the heading for the closest vowel state isn't the craziest thing.”

“It's a good thing you didn't ask us for our thoughts. Imagine where Sarah would have sent you.”

They all chuckled regardless of Sarah's pretense of affront. 

“I didn't leave you out because I didn't want you here.” Debbie closed the pizza box and pushed it away.

“Oh, honey. We know that.”. Sarah's reply was quick and soothing.

Sara was slower, but she got it. “We would have skewed the perspective and you would want what we suggested for you.” Sara always got it. “Go get your hair done. I'm not saying how or what, but you always feel like you can take on the world after a hair.”

“And there you go skewing her perspective! Hey, Jim just came in and told me he's heading upstairs so we can all watch a chick flick together.”

“Priscilla, Queen of the desert, anyone?”


	13. Chapter 13

At five thirty Thursday morning Debbie was wide awake. It was a wonderful time to be wide awake if you wanted to get things done, not so much when you had no plans. She surfed the tv for a while, then the internet, then the tv again. Two hours later she gave up and got ready to face the day.

After the hotel provided breakfast she headed out to walk around. There were a number of touristy places to go, but nothing appealed to her specifically, everything seemed like something someone she knew would love, and she’d like to see it with them, but nothing that someone else would say “Oh Debbie would love that”.

She headed for the lake. She’d been to Chicago once, in January, she hadn’t spent anytime looking at Lake Michigan. But on the bus ride to Cleveland she’d been excited to see a great lake for what she considered to be the first time. She picked up another cup of coffee and when she reached Bicentennial park it was nice. Nice weather, nice view. A couple of people smiled. It wasn’t significantly different from an ocean though. She didn’t know what she had expected. 

Debbie probably just expected to be more exhilarated by it. She noted as she watched the waves that she wasn’t let down by the sight, she just wasn’t … moved.

She sat for an hour or so. She focused on her breathing, she counted the waves for a minute, she tilted her head and watched the clouds move. She thought something should come to her. Something should make sense. Something should say “This is what you always wanted and you let yourself forget. THIS is it.”

She threw away her coffee cup and left the park taking a slightly different route back to the hotel. She felt like she was done with Cleveland, but she didn’t know where she wanted to head next. 

There was a hair salon that she walked by with a “Walk ins welcome” sign in the window. She walked on, a few storefronts down the street. She knew the easiest way to feel like she’d changed would be if she could see something in the mirror, the easiest way to do that was to change her hair. And Sara was right, she always felt like she could take on the world when she’d just had her hair done. Debbie turned around and walked back to the glass door with the sign.

When the door opened three women looked up at her. The customer dismissed her easily, the other two smiled. “Can we help you?”

“It says walk ins are welcome.” Debbie wasn’t sure is she was asking a question or not.

“Sure,” The woman without a customer in front of her confirmed. “What is it you were looking to do today?”

Debbie took off her jacket and hung it on a nearby hook. “This is the way my ex-husband liked my hair.”

“Oh. Sit down, Honey. We’ll get you loving your own hair again.” The woman grabbed a couple of books, a ring of color samples and ushered Debbie to a comfortable love seat to plot and plan.

It wasn’t like going out with the Sara(h)s, it wasn’t like watching stupid scary movies with the boys, but it was a wonderful way to spend an afternoon in Cleveland. And after some discussion, she decided that she’d take a thirteen-dollar bus trip to Toledo for the weekend.


	14. Chapter 14

Debbie’s new hair color and style were a hit with everyone she texted the selfie to. And it gave her that little extra bit to hear from Kayla (who hadn’t been on the text list) that she looked “Phenomenal”.

She sorted her packing better than she had before she left home. She’d taken everything with her that she didn’t want to risk not seeing again. She’d left specific things in boxes labeled for each of the boys. But she had jewelry, cash, both of the boy’s original first grade school photos, and the Holy Family from her mother’s Nativity set. She’d left the creche, shepherds, kings, and animals in a box for Brian, but she felt she needed to make sure those specific three pieces weren’t left just anywhere. 

She’d also taken all of her clothes that she thought were flattering without regard to season. As if she thought she might never go back. But just three days since packing (and how was it only three days), she knew for certain that she would not never be back. She could have left that sparkly Jones dress at the house.

She booked a Toledo hotel for five nights, and she booked another one-way ticket with the bus. She didn’t know why she wanted to stay longer, it just felt better. She looked up sight seeing things in Toledo and was intrigued by a few. 

Then Debbie turned the browser in her e-reader to search “Things to do when you retire.” It seemed odd. More odd than the last few days, more odd than the last few months. 

She texted Sara: What do you want to do when you retire?

Almost immediately there was: Eat bon-bons and watch the ocean. Why? You aren’t retiring? Are you?

Debbie stared at her phone as though Sara had lost her mind and then : No, I’m not retiring. As soon as I get back I resume my grueling job as a dentist. If I’m not retired, what am I?

And Debbie supposed she was lucky. She hadn’t had a full-time job in several years. She could have considered herself semi-retired since … She wasn’t sure how long. Debbie was lucky, she got that. In hind sight, she could have worked more and Ted could have worked less, but it was the partnership that they had worked out. Looking forward, Debbie could take half of what they’d acquired as a couple and live frugally until she hit Medicare age and continue to be okay with half of their combined retirement for some time.

Sara texted back: Okay, that is just unfair. Here I was feeling bad for you and your crazy Let’s-explore-Ohio-plans, and your ducking retired!

Debbie loved auto-correct. 

Sara texted again: DUCK YOU AUTO-CORRECT! But how can you be retired that much before us? 

Debbie reminded: You love your job. Even if we were all ready to retire you wouldn’t give it up. 

The reply was a few minutes later: No, I wouldn’t. You’ll find a job, if that’s what you want.

She checked the website that the search had brought up: I could start my own Etsy store.

Much quicker than the last one, the text read: You are not crafty! Sarah had a burn scar from the last time you thought a hot glue gun was a good idea. Just go to Toledo and find your bliss. Stay away from yarn and fabric! That is an order!

~*~

In the morning Debbie got ready, headed down stairs to have breakfast and sat and talked to a wonderful couple who were in town for their grand-daughter’s wedding. It was refreshing to see people so excited about what was happening in their life.

She went back up to the room, sent the boys her itinerary, double checked that she had everything packed back up then headed down to the desk. The same woman who had checked her in took her room key for check out.

“Did you find your soul?” She asked as she clicked the keys on the keyboard.

“No.” Debbie smile widely. “I’m encouraged though, and off to Toledo.”

The woman nodded, seemed to consider Toledo for a minute. “That makes sense. It sounds right.” She handed Debbie her receipt and wished her luck.

Toledo or bust.


	15. Chapter 15

Toledo felt like a vacation. And just that thought made Debbie smile. 

Cleveland had been about getting away, not a destination, not something specific, just away. Toledo felt like she was someplace that she wanted to be. She checked into the hotel, dropped of her things and then headed out to scope out the area. She stopped in every little shop she went by, and then she found The Swamp Shop and went on what felt like a bender buying everyone she knew some Toledo sports merchandise. She was either going to need to ship stuff home or buy another piece of luggage.

Ship stuff home. There it was. That feeling in her gut that it was still home. Not the house, she wasn’t sure what the picture in the head was of the specific place, but she was going back to Massachusetts. Eventually. And that too fit with the feeling that Toledo was a vacation.

She had dinner by herself in a nice restaurant. A first for her, especially on a Friday night. And she did it without a book or something electronic to entertain her. She was put at a small table by the window and people watched while she really enjoyed her meal. 

She took a cab back to the hotel, and then ordered a decedent dessert from room service. She’d never gotten room service before, it had always been something that other people did. They were always saving for something else, and you could bring a pie back from a grocery store. But it was a wonderful feeling to sit in her hotel room watching a movie that nobody else in her family would want to watch with a dessert she didn’t have to share. It did feel like a treat.

*~*

Debbie slept in and drank coffee in bed while scoping out all the brochures she’d picked up. She checked with the hotel’s shuttle service and confirmed that they would take her to the Museum of the Great Lakes, as well as the zoo and the Wildwood Preserve. They all sounded wonderfully touristy.

She got dressed and headed off to the museum.

*~*

Sunday was similar. She slept in, checked in with the boys and the Sara(h)s then took off for the Preserve. It was beautiful and even better for having a not too hot, not too cold, mostly sunny day. She felt exhilarated when she left the park and opted to keep walking when she was dropped back off at the hotel.

Within half an hour she found herself at an open house for a downtown condo. She didn’t want to waste a realtor’s time, but she really wanted to look inside.

The realtor was nice, most especially after she was truthful… Well, she’d actually dumped her entire situation on the woman. The whole mess about Ted, the house, hitch-hiking, and the irrational but needed bus trip to Cleveland. She was certain she came across as crazy, but the woman accepted her whole-heartedly, and gave her a tour.

The view was beautiful. And it was refreshing to think of a view of a city as beautiful. Not necessarily for the glass, steel, and brick. Or the barely visible river and lake. But to know you could watch a sunrise without looking through your neighbor’s trees. To see more from your sink that just the yard that needed to be shoveled, or trimmed, or mowed.

Debbie thought, in the new place, she’d like a view of something.

The apartment felt cookie cutter. Very square, very beige, very … stock items from box stores.

She thought, when she had her own place, she’d like character. And color.

And she’d like a disposal that worked. A bathroom for herself, as well as a half bath for company who came for dinners or game nights. One spare bedroom. One living space, not a parlor and a family room. A dining area, not a stuffy dedicated holiday closed off room. A little bit of grass, even if she had to mow and trim herself, but not so much that you could consider having big summer party. One television in the whole place, not one in every room. Wood floors, lift windows, a front door that didn’t face north. Comfortable furniture that didn’t have cup holders in it.

Debbie profusely thanked the realtor. She even went to the website and raved about the woman. But the best part, as she picked up take out for dinner on her walk back to the hotel, was that she finally had some wants. There was a picture in her head of a future. It wasn’t clear. It wasn’t complete. But she felt that a hole she’d recently acquired inside her was starting to fill.

Toledo was amazing.


	16. Chapter 16

On Monday Debbie decided to put the zoo off for a day. After breakfast she made her way to a chain store pharmacy and spent what surprisingly turned out to be forty-five minutes picking out magazines. Car magazines, house decorating, house plans, women’s, retirement, entrepreneur, woodworking, wellness, and summer sports were all represented in the heavy stack she put down at the counter. Those and a large bag of caramel M&Ms and a six pack of Diet Coke.

Yeah, she was settling in for the day. 

She even stopped at a deli on the way back to the hotel and grabbed a sandwich for later.

Back in her room she put on her favorite yoga pants and curled up on the room’s love seat. She went page by page, cover to cover through all of her periodicals. Looking for inspiration and dislikes, she was so excited about the mental list that she’d started at the open house.

She texted random people as she went through her stack.

To Sarah: I want a convertible.

To Brian: Do you have central vac?

To Chris: Do you still use your mountain bike?

To Sara: I want to make a wooden bowl, would you want to take a woodturning class with me?

She grabbed the pen and paper from the desk and made lists. Encore Careers: She considered marketable skills she had, if she even wanted to work full time, and what sort of place would she like working for. She named out charities and locations she could volunteer at, but in all honesty crossed ninety percent off the list almost as soon as she had written them. It was one thing to help clean a park a couple of times a year, and a full on other to commit to X days per week at a place where she wouldn’t even want a paying job. Debbie knew she was not considered a “People Person”. 

The same thing went for starting her own business. Anything she thought she could be good at, could contribute with, was not something she wanted to start dedicating eighty plus hours a week to. Debbie always found people who started their own companies to be either brave or very foolish. If you had a passion for what you did, and loved being your own boss, it could be a wonderful thing. Debbie had neither that passion for anything money making or the drive to work and sell and bookkeep and publicize.

To Liz she texted: Did you ever consider being a snowbird?

The response was: No. Didn’t want two homes. Didn’t want to live in a big car.

And a minute later: Kara is wonderful. My hearts group loved the idea and are all calling her for things. I’m sorry I didn’t let you push me into it sooner.

Debbie texted back: I love you. Did you ever take a woodworking class?

She treated herself to another nice dinner. Sitting with no electronics and no other thing to occupy her felt freeing, but a little lonely too. She thought about a gap year as she ate her pasta in the wonderful alfredo sauce. By the time the check came she was feeling like that wasn’t going to be her bag either. Taking time off to travel and see things, as wonderful as Ohio had been, wasn’t quite the same if you were doing it all alone. Without Ted, and Debbie was feeling much more secure in a future without Ted, she’d want to go with the Sara(h)s or the boys, but none of them were in a place where it was feasible for them. And a week rooming with Liz would be six days too many.

Back at her hotel room the group message started from Sarah: I’ve always wanted a Jeep. And S says there will be no lathe in your future. Not ever. We will take random cooking classes though. Or maybe one of those nude model art classes. ;) ;)


	17. Chapter 17

She woke up from a nightmare well before dawn. 

Debbie felt overwhelmed, panicked, and completely out of control as she paced her hotel room. Nobody had tried to hurt her in her dream. No harm done to the boys. She didn’t fear for her life. In the dream she had over spent. Was over-indulgent in treating herself and had no way to pay the bills when they had come due. She was destitute because she’d gone on vacation herself.

She sat down, took her phone off the charger, checked her bank balances. Most of what she’d done had been on her debit card, she checked her wallet for cash, checked the cash stashes in her bags. She was okay. She was going to be okay. Everything was okay.

She curled further into the couch and cried. 

The most horrible part of the dream was the feeling of being alone in her … destitution, despair, life. And awake, she felt that most of all. Debbie was alone at a point in her life that she hadn’t thought she would be since she realized at twenty years old that she loved Ted.

She’d been through the shock & denial, the anger, and clearly, CLEARLY, the desperate trip to Ohio had an attempt at bargaining for a way out. So now…

Now she was finally realizing that her life sucked. 

Debbie grabbed the neck of the t-shirt she’d worn to bed and mopped at her face. At some point the sun had come up, and at 5:48 Ted had texted: You need to get back to me about going through the things in the house.

It was pushing 7 when she typed back: I told you that I’m on vacation. I told my lawyer that you wanted a meeting, he said that he would contact your lawyer to explain that I am on vacation. 

She threw the phone at the bed. Not hearing a thud, she assumed it landed on something soft.

During dinner the night before, when she’d given real thought to traveling, the feeling of lonely had crept in around the edges. The Sara(h)s had Jim and Steve. They had kids still in college and high school. The three of them had gone away for a couple of Chick Weekends over the course of their friendship. The six of them had even gone for a couple of days to New York. And all three families had gone camping twice. But now, she couldn’t take them away from their families or husbands just because she had neither. She couldn’t impose on the boys who had lives of their own. Debbie hated the idea of being a third, fifth, or tenth wheel.

She was alone. All the planning she’d thought had been for her and Ted was now just for her. No one to hold her hand before a scan. Nobody to drive while she fell apart after a funeral. Nobody there for just her. 

And yeah, the anger phase wasn’t completely over she realized as her phone buzzed with a text from the bedding.

One of the things that Ted had thrown at her (and they’d thrown a lot of things at each other) was the money. He’d said that he hated how tight she was with money. How they didn’t have nice things because she was too cheap. How they could have lived bigger and more comfortably if she’d been different. He wanted to live better when he retired.

The phone buzzed again and she swore at Ted.

They’d met in college. Hooked up at a frat party one night. He’d snuck out of her room at some point before she woke up. They were in the same class the next semester, ended up in the same study group. He thought she was funny, asked her out to another party, was a bit put out that she wouldn’t put out, and then they started dating.

After college, after saving for a couple of years, they’d gotten an apartment together. She’d never lived on her own, she’d gone from her father’s home to Ted’s. Ted proposed when they were out of college for almost three years, in the middle of the wave of weddings of a large number of their college friends. Debbie’s mother had been diagnosed with a late stage cancer. They married quickly, quietly, and cheaply so they could do it before Mom went. They’d gotten pregnant right away for the same reason but Debbie’s mother never met Brian. The only time she consciously remembered Ted letting go of her hand that week was when he helped to carry her mother’s casket.

They bought a house that was too big. It needed more work than she was comfortable with, but she agreed and did everything she could. Ted felt they needed a flashy home, he wanted to present better at work. At the time she thought that need was strange for him, but she got it to an extent. 

From the time she and Ted had moved in together Debbie had been saving for later. She’d assumed Ted would propose, so she started saving for a wedding and a house. She didn’t think she’d been tight with money. They went to all the weddings and showers and baby showers without taking anything from what she’d squirreled. 

The down-payment on the old Victorian that had seen significantly better days had emptied what she’d set aside. Debbie tightened their belts. Nothing that wasn’t absolutely needed. They fixed a room a year, minimally, doing as much as they were capable of themselves (which wasn’t much) and contracting out the rest. They had the showable house that Ted seemed to want, or at least the first floor, within 5 years. They worked on the landscaping from March to November every year. 

By the time Chris went to school Debbie was working as much as was feasible, and the house was in shape, and they could start going to dinner now and then. They could take reasonable vacations and still sock away for a rainy day and maybe put something away for the boys to go to college.

There was always something that might need money, and then there was the idea of retiring too. They didn’t live big, and they never lived to the extent of their means. They lived, they enjoyed, or at least she thought they did. Debbie never thought she was cheap. She just planned.

Since that one Sunday morning in college, when she woke up next to Ted and it occurred to her that she loved him, when she realized that it wasn’t like her high school boyfriend, or even that guy freshman year of college, when it occurred to her that it was a forever kind of thing, since then, Debbie had assumed they were forever. Ted + Debbie = Forever. And she’d planned accordingly.

And now Ted was out because she’d planned for their future. She had no future because she’d wanted to protect one.

Her phone buzzed again. She needed coffee and something to eat.


	18. Chapter 18

Debbie had all the coffee that was in her room, then showered and went down stairs for more. She ate some toast not meeting anyone’s eyes. She knew she looked like she had been crying for hours. She had been.

The strawberry jam was good, Debbie had no idea how long she’d been sitting at the table with all the toast, jam, and coffee she could manage, when she looked up to see the rest of the dining room empty and the rest of the staff waiting to clean up after her and made her way to the front desk.

She gave the desk clerk her name and explained that she was scheduled to check out the next day then asked if it were possible to stay until Friday in the same room.

The clerk checked something in the computer and then said “That shouldn’t be a problem. I’m just going to need a signature from you.”

When the paper was handed to Debbie it read: Are you safe? Do you need the police?

Debbie started to cry. “I’m fine.” She said, and then laughed through the tears at how ridiculous it was to say that while sobbing. After a box of tissues was handed to her she finally managed “Things just suck for me at the moment. I’m not in any physical danger. Thank you so much for trying to take care of me.”

She gave a watery smile, stuffed some spare tissues in her pocket and walked out into a Toledo Monday.

*~*

She wandered, lost in her own miserable thoughts until she heard a truck go by honking. It wasn’t at Debbie, but it snapped her back to take in her surroundings. She had no idea where she was, no idea how long she’d been walking. Debbie pulled out her phone and went through her contacts finally sending a text: I don’t know what I’m doing. 

She stood on the sidewalk and waited. Not sure what direction to walk, not sure if she’d be receiving a return text.

The one she got came from an unknown number: Clearly, as you texted Katie and not me.

A call came in from the number as soon as she finished reading the text. “Do you want to hear I told you so?”

“Did I say that to you after Jane?” She chuckled into the phone.

“No, but I feel like you said it even though you didn’t.” He sighed.

“Yeah.” Debbie sighed back at her brother. “I feel like that too, now.”

“Ted’s an asshole.”

“Well, yeah.” She thought for a moment. “But if he asked me, I’d take him back in a heartbeat.” 

“I hope he doesn’t.” Dave answered.

“Me too.” She confessed right back at him. “How did you know?”

“John was one of the realtors at your pre-market showing.” She’d forgotten Dave’s best friend was in real estate.

“And then I called the house and found out that you hitch-hiked to Cleveland. Brian thought you might be headed toward me?”

“Just to clarify, I hitch-hiked to Worcester, I took a bus to Cleveland, and then another to Toledo.”

“Well, I’m glad you clarified that.” She could hear the eye roll over the phone. “Do you know where you’re headed?”

“No, but … I don’t even know where I am at the moment. I cried in front of the desk clerk and then just left the hotel, hours ago I think.” She sniffled. “I’m probably heading back home next, but…” She shrugged as if he could see her.

“Do you need me to come and get you?”

She started crying again. “No.” It sounded more like a wail though. They hadn’t actually spoken, really spoken, in years. There was a phone call somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they sent gift cards back and forth for their birthdays. She hadn’t actually seen her brother since they finished cleaning out her father’s house after his death. Almost ten years. She wasn’t sure how she had let it go that long. “I was such a bitch to you when you were married to her. How can you be this nice to me?” 

“Don’t cry, Deb. Please stop crying.” Dave had always been one of those men who couldn’t handle a woman crying, which was part of how Jane had played him for so long. “I really want to punch Ted in the face right now.”

She sniffled herself back into a semblance of calm. “Me too. I don’t get… Sorry, I’m not trying to dump that on you.”

He made a dismissive noise. “Ted was a dick. He liked that you took care of everything and hated it all behind your back. It was easier for him, but he resented it. I have no idea how you didn’t see it.”

Debbie sniffled again.

“But then I didn’t see Jane the way you did. So, I suppose…”

“That we both suck at picking out spouses?”

He laughed. “Katie suggested that we take a vacation in New England this year. You might actually like her.”

“If the house hasn’t sold yet, you have a place to stay. And if I don’t like her, I promise to fake it.”


	19. Chapter 19

Debbie checked the time on her phone. It was after noon and the sun was behind her so she needed to turn around to get back to the hotel. At least she thought she should as she didn’t think she had crossed the river, but she hadn’t been paying attention and… Or she could just use her damn mapping ap on her phone, and not try to find the north star and a sextant to navigate.

She worried about her mind lately.

She punched in her hotel and scanned for someplace she could eat on the way as she probably needed something more than jam, toast, and coffee. Debbie kept her head down, still crying intermittently as she made her way back. She kept playing over and over in her head the conversation she’d had with her brother, the night Ted announced he wanted out, the text messages from Ted, the fight the boys had been through with each other over which parent was to blame for the divorce, and the list of things she wanted for her future and which ones were realistic versus which ones weren’t. 

Debbie tripped over the uneven pavement in the sidewalk, she laughed at it and then swore at it.

“You okay there?”

She gave a small squeak of surprise and looked up to see a woman smoking against a chain link fence a few feet in front of her.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” The woman stubbed out the cigarette and put it in a cigarette trash cone near a gate in the fence. “And you’ve been crying. Rough day?”

The woman was dressed in khakis and a logoed t-shirt, there was a name tag as well reading Tracy. Debbie looked at the building behind the fencing and read the name of a shelter.

“Not my best day. Not the worst, but, you know…” Debbie shrugged.

Tracy smiled at her, then opened the gate. “I do. Come on in.”

So, Debbie followed her.

“I’m Tracy, just a volunteer here, but I’ve got a bit of a gift.” The woman closed the gate behind them and headed toward a door at the edge of the building rather than the main entrance.

“Debbie, I’m a tourist.” They stepped inside and the noise was close to deafening. “What kind of gift?”

“I’m good at matching things up. You look a little lost, and a little like you lost something.” Tracy held up her hands as sort of a surrender. “I don’t mean to offend you, it’s just what I see.”

Debbie found that she couldn’t disagree. “I am at loose ends at the moment.” 

“Not that much of a shock really. You’re a tourist in Toledo, and tripping over the cracks in a sidewalk that you couldn’t seem to take your eye off.” She gestured down a walkway. “I want you to meet someone.”

She followed Tracy through a maze of fencing and sensibly inexpensive flooring. She smiled at some of the cute faces peering out at her, and she recognized that she felt lighter than she had all day.

“You ever have a dog before?” Tracy asked as she stopped in front of a cage.

“As a girl. Dad always had dogs.” It had been very weird to move into the apartment with Ted and not have a pet, as Debbie recalled. “My husband was allergic.”

“Did he pass on, or did he walk out?” 

Debbie found Tracy blunt, but in an oddly comforting way. “The latter.”

“Kids grown?” Tracy asked and smiled when Debbie just nodded. Tracy’s answering smile seemed to say: I knew it. “This is Sadie.” She crouched down and gestured into the cage next to her. “She’s five, her owner passed on a few months ago. She was surrendered by a relative who …” Tracy let the sentence hang. “She’s fat as a house.” Again, the shelter worker was frank. “She needs someone to take care of her. Someone to look after her, feed her right, make sure she gets the exercise she needs. And you need to know that it's okay to need to take care of someone.”

Looking out from the cage, first at Tracy then to Debbie, was a black dog with a brown chin, eyebrows, and brown on the tips of her pointy ears. She would probably be the size of a beagle if she was a healthy weight. Sadie had a silky coat that seemed to stick out rather than be tempered by gravity. Random hairs were longer than others, not patches, it just looked kind of like black dandelion fluff. The dog’s eyes didn’t move from Debbie once they focused on her. 

Sadie seemed to assess her first. Measuring Debbie. Then she sat, her face seemed to smile, the fluffy black tail started to wag.

“See?” Tracy said as she stood and Debbie stooped. “I’m good at matching things.”

Two hours later, Debbie had taken Sadie on two walks, filled out an application, and was scrambling to see if she could take Sadie back to Massachusetts by bus, train, or plane. Debbie decided to ask for help. She sent a picture off to the Sara(h)s: I hate to do this. I wanted to figure this all out on my own but, can we have a ride home?


	20. Chapter 20

The next couple of days were a flurry of things to do. 

She’d contacted a vet at home to set up paperwork and have the shelter send over Sadie’s records. She bought a carrier/crate for the dog. She sent pictures to the boys of their new ‘sister’. She thanked her friends profusely who were taking a day and a half from work and families to pick her and the dog up. She ordered bowls and collars and leashes from Etsy in fabulous colors that would look good on her new companion.

And she spent as much of her day as she could with Sadie while her application was reviewed. They walked a lot. They sat in Sadie’s kennel and researched foods. They sat and read together. It was one of the most wonderful feelings to sit still for an hour or two with a dog’s head in your lap. Both of them accepted for who they were.

It was a horrible feeling leaving Sadie in the shelter Wednesday when the place was closing. Warm brown and slightly betrayed eyes watched Debbie until she had turned the corner out of Sadie’s sight. Tracy stopped Debbie just before she left to let her know she’d been approved and they would let her take Sadie the next morning after one more vet check.

Debbie was bouncing when she got back to the hotel to pay the fee to have the dog with her, as well as the Sara(h)s. The clerk was the same one who’d asked if she was safe, she seemed to be beaming at Debbie’s good fortune and turned outlook. Or maybe that was just Debbie who was beaming.

The girls were leaving home at noon to make the 12-hour drive. They’d be in just after midnight, and Debbie planned pizza for the three of them and the dog. 

It wasn’t ideal, the idea of getting an old dog in a stranger’s car to travel the seven hundred seventy-five miles. Most especially when Sadie didn’t know Debbie all that well. But Debbie felt lifted by the idea of taking the dog home, and at the same time felt like she had lost out in her life by not getting a dog sooner, despite Ted’s allergies.

Debbie’s grandmother had been named Sarah, but she’d only known the woman as Nana Sadie. She had lovely warm memories of the woman. The name was a good one, and Debbie wasn’t sure if the dog had been named anything else that the situation would have clicked. And that was probably the main reason that she had asked the girls to come and get her. 

That and that they were the only ones who would actually drive 12 hours to pick her and a homeless dog up in Toledo only to turn around and drive home. Not that she wouldn’t do it for either of them, it was just a lot to ask, and Debbie was sure Chris would have just booked her a plane ticket then picked her up at the airport.

She took herself out to dinner and brought a rich dessert back to the hotel. Debbie PayPal’d some gas money to Sara (who wouldn’t have otherwise taken it), and binge watched all the happy ending dog movies she could find on Netflix.

Thursday morning, she was up far too early to go pick up her new companion. Chris texted just as she headed to breakfast, asking what specific furniture he could take. She called him back from the hotel lobby.

“Dad said that I couldn’t take anything I wanted. That I need to leave enough to have the house look good, and that anything I take, I have to pay fair value for to the ‘estate’.” Chris sounded a little amused, but mostly like he was trying to clarify what Ted had said. “I don’t understand how he is calling you cheap.”

“I’m not getting that either.” She could have seen tight, or thrifty, but not cheap. She kept the rest of the conversation away from the subject of Ted, went room by room through the apartment Chris and Kayla were getting, the list that Kayla had given him of things they might need in the bigger space than the studio apartment she was leaving, and what he could take from the house before it sold as well as what he could take after. She didn’t mention value on anything and made a mental note of getting her mother’s sewing cabinet repainted and updated for Kayla (who would actually use it). 

“When will you be home?” He asked before they hung up.

“Saturday late, or possibly Sunday. We wanted to make a couple of touristy stops along the way. Sarah is planning to stop every two hours for the dog to go to the bathroom, so who knows. But no later than Sunday afternoon.” They were taking Sarah’s car, so she got it, but she hoped Sadie wouldn’t need the bathroom that frequently.

“So, can we plan dinner Sunday night? The five of us? I’ll call Brian. We can meet Sadie.”

“And you can check up on me to make sure I’m not completely off my rocker?”

Chris laughed. “That too.” He paused then added. “I told Dad about the dog.”

“I know.” And she did.

Ted had texted the day before: I should be let in the house to evaluate things before you let the dog in to devalue things.

Then: Also, pathetic that you replaced me with a dog.

Debbie replied: I thought it was fitting. 

She ate breakfast feeling exhilarated. She had a new pet to look forward to, a road trip with her girls, and a dinner with her boys. She wasn’t where she had thought she was six months ago, but she also wasn’t where she knew she was six days ago. Call it a win.


	21. Chapter 21

Debbie met the girls in the lobby just before midnight, the delivery driver had just left, she still had the food in her hands.

“No eating, just tired.” Sarah had said as she pushed the button to call the elevator, eyelids heavily in need of sleep.

“Onion rings?” Debbie pushed the floor button when they all climbed in.

Sarah perked up. Sara laughed.

Sadie was sitting just inside the door to the room, as though she’d been patiently waiting. Debbie had walked back with Sadie from the shelter. The distance was a little bit much for the pudgy dog, but it would probably drive her into a nice sleep, which was the point. Debbie had also been concerned how the dog would take her friends, but it all went smooth. Sadie sniffed at each of them, their bags, and then followed the food to the table.

Pajamas, a box of wine, greasy food, and twenty minutes found the ladies comfortably ensconced in the room. “Oh my God there is so much to tell you.” Sara said as soon as she finished chewing her first bite of pizza

“Ted is internet dating!” Sarah shouted through a mouthful of deep-fry.

Both the Sara(h)s giggled for a minute. “He came up as compatible for my sister Carrie.” Sara supplied.

And that was funny as hell as on the few occasions that Carrie and Ted had been in the same room they had not gotten along at all. To the point that Ted had sworn that he would never go to something at Sara’s that her sister would be at. But…

“Isn’t Carrie in her thirties?” Debbie wanted that clarified.

“Thirty-three.” Sarah giggled some more. “We had her troll him though. The age range he’s looking for is thirty to forty-five.”

She wasn’t sure why, but that surprised Debbie. She couldn’t barely imagine dating someone, let alone someone who was twenty-five years younger than her. And then she thought “OH MY GOD, BRIAN IS THIRTY!”

“Exactly!” Sara seemed a bit incensed. “And I know we haven’t actually talked about it, but I’m guessing that he’s lying about how much he makes, that or he shouldn’t be bitching about money with you like he is. He also says that he’s single and just got out of a long-term relationship.”

Jackass.

“He’s a jackass.” Sarah intoned. “I don’t know why we didn’t hate him before.” She finished her second cup of wine. “Why didn’t we hate him before.”

“He’s conniving and cunning.” Sara supplied.

Debbie pulled her feet up under her and fed Sadie her pizza crust. “He is SO not cunning. Jeeze. He thinks he’s hiding bank accounts from me, but he opened them at the bank we use so it’s all linked with our joint account, and told me there was no bonus last quarter, which I can clearly see he did get one, AND he never took anything out of our checking account to pay for his apartment when he moved. AND he got a raise that he told me the company was too broke to give him this year. He also opened one of the accounts over three weeks before he asked for a divorce and wrote the check for the deposit on the apartment the day before.”

Debbie paused at the shocked look on her friends faces. She felt herself blink a little owlishly. She hadn’t meant to say all of that.

“Did you tell-“ Sara started.

“Yes, I told my divorce lawyer.”

“You didn’t-“ Sara tried again.

“I didn’t touch any of it. I just see it there.”

The room was quiet for a minute. Sadie nudged Debbie as if to both be petted and provide some comfort.

Sarah filled all the wine cups and asked. “How long have you known all of this?”

Debbie hadn’t said anything before because… Because even with the people that she would have sworn she could have said anything to, she couldn’t admit that Ted would ever plan to leave her. She could not have admitted it to herself.

“I guess that I told myself he wanted to surprise me with something. Or, at worst, that he wanted something for himself. It’s not supposed to be a big deal today to have a little spending account away from your spouse, right? Wow…” Debbie wiped at a tear. “That sounded very stupid. Wow. I can’t believe that I didn’t say anything to him.”

Sarah wiped her own tears. “How do you admit that your marriage isn’t working the way it’s supposed to? How do you see something new and say ‘oh man, this must be the shoe I’ve been waiting twenty-five, thirty years for it to drop, finally!’? I’d seen you two bicker, we’ve heard you talk about fighting with Ted, it never crossed my mind that you two were done for. I don’t know that if Jim … Jeeze, I don’t know.”

“How long?” Sara asked.

“I check the banking at least once a week. I saw the first account, saw that is was about right for the bonus check. But we had just had that argument about him wanting to replace his car after less than a year, and that he wanted to go on a trip to Europe and a cruise… “ Again, Debbie felt foolish. “His raise had been direct deposited into his new account for one week before he left. On the other hand, his direct deposit into our joint account didn’t change until he had been out for a month. He probably planned to hide it all longer.”

Sara finished her cup and gestured for Debbie to keep up. “He called Steve last week, asked him to come out drinking with him. Steve went and said Ted dragged him to some place where he felt like they were the oldest guys there, and Ted was trying to flirt with – And these are Steve’s words – Girls, not Women. Steve did not know what to do with himself.” After pouring more wine she added. “Steve’s afraid Ted will ask again.”

Sadie jumped onto the hotel’s sofa and curled up against Debbie.

Sarah reached over and scratched the dog’s ears. “You got the better deal now. Let’s hope she bites him.” The dog seemed to sigh in bliss. “Oh, Carrie gave us her log-in info, wait till you see the picture he used! There’s even one that he clearly cut you out of. It’s awesome! You’ve got to see it!”


	22. Chapter 22

“Ohio.” Sarah called out from the passenger seat as if they were playing license plate bingo and hadn’t already gotten the Ohio plate yet.

From the backseat Sara skipped right over the game. “Have you thought about going back to school? A degree or just a class?”

Debbie laughed, watching in the rearview as her dog sat in her friend’s lap contentedly looking out the window. “For the length of time it took to read it at the ‘what to do when you retire’ website.”

“I don’t like the sound of you being retired.” Sarah slouched as much as her seatbelt would allow and nursed her coffee with sunglasses despite the overcast sky outside. “We’re not old enough to retire.”

“Maybe not you, I’m older and we worked it out.” Debbie moved the car out of the travel lane. “Ted and I sat down with someone, you remember I told you the retirement guy was a pompous ass?” Sara nodded in the backseat. Sarah could have already fallen back to sleep. “Anyway, we took the info he gave us and looked at the value of the house, all the investments and retirement accounts and figured out- “

“YOU took info and figured out.” Sara corrected

Debbie smiled. “If we didn’t spend excessively, I could keep the per diem at the office and Ted and I could officially retire at sixty. My goal is to keep him to that with the divorce.”

“Does your crack team of lawyers think you can get that.” Sarah wasn’t asleep.

From the backseat came. “It’s possible. It depends on how much he’s trying to hide, and who they get for a judge if it gets that far.” One of Sara’s partners at the small law firm was representing Debbie. “I checked with Dan yesterday morning. He didn’t tell me the thing about the bank accounts, but he thinks Ted is a stand-up guy so far, and if he turns, Dan is really good at bullying. If you two can’t settle…” She shrugged and kept petting Sophie.

“Pfft.” Sarah didn’t move other than her mouth and her coffee. “Divorce-lawyer-Dan should hate Ted as much as the best friends do. That’s what makes a good divorce lawyer.”

Debbie just smiled.

Sara asked after a quiet minute. “What else did the website suggest? What else should stylish retired your ladies do with their time?”

“Find a sport, hobby, religion. Find a job!” Which completely made sense and was crazy all at once. “Volunteer. Get a roommate, read. Oh, and run away from home.” She held up a hand and said “Swear to God. I almost called you to tell you.”

“Tell her about Kara.”

Sarah sat up a bit and lifted her sunglasses to the top of her head. “So, Kara asked Jim who did your house?”

“Who did my house?”

“Yeah, she said that it looked great. She’s always loved your house, but she thought it looked amazing for showing. That it had just the right balance of lived in and livable without being all ‘this is the family who lives here.’” Sarah tool a long swig of coffee. “I’m not explaining this right.”

“No, you’re not.” The backseat laughed.

“You did a great job getting the house ready for sale. It looks like a model home. Nothing that is specific to the family, but all the things that let you know a family can be raised there. Kara said she gets asked a lot to help people get their houses ready for sale, but she doesn’t have anybody with enough drive and tact to tell a family that the photos and choochkies are not going to sell the house no matter how well they are dusted.” Sarah finished her first cup of coffee and opened the second one. “It’s the difference between what the house is worth and what it looks like it’s worth.”

“Jim told her we did it.” Sara filled in.

“We corrected her. We just showed up with wine and trash bags and got you started. Oh my god! She loved your closets. That they were just normal closets, but they looked spacious.” She slouched back against the door and put her glasses back down.

“Kara said that when/if you come back, and you want to start doing it, she would love to have you. It wouldn’t be full time, and you could probably set your own hours when she had clients for you. AND you wouldn’t have to own your own business.” Sara knew that Debbie had no desire to hang out a shingle.

The idea really appealed to Debbie. Organizing other people’s stuff was completely in her wheelhouse, decluttering, packing… She didn’t know it could be a job. And ‘firm but nice’ was definitely a strength of hers. Maybe… maybe.

“She also mentioned that she’s looking for a part-time bookkeeper.” Sara added on. “I know you helped Kara when she first decided she wanted to start the business and you helped her set up her bookkeeping program.”

That was also something Debbie knew she could do.

She could totally do that.

“You could totally do that.” Sarah finished her second coffee.

“How are you this hung over AND inside my head?” Debbie asked.

“I don’t know, but I have to pee.”

They hadn’t even passed the first exit after getting on the Ohio Turnpike. It was going to be a long fun ride.


	23. Chapter 23

She was dropped at her house late on Saturday. Almost eight hundred miles (much more when you considered how horribly lost Sara got somewhere in Pennsylvania) and two days on the road with so many tourist traps and bathroom breaks Debbie stopped counting. And home was a wonderful feeling.

Saturday afternoon Jim had called Sarah on speaker and said that he expected to have an offer on the house sometime on Monday. He’d just shown the house to a couple that he called ‘energetic buyer’, which Sarah confirmed was a good code word. 

Pulling up in front of the house shifted weight from Debbie’s shoulders that she hadn’t realized she was carrying. Sarah grabbed one bag, Sara took the dog’s leash and as Debbie shouldered her other bag she realized “I don’t have keys.”

Both of her friends started laughing. 

That wasn’t even two weeks ago, she was leaving. Gone. Fare the well. Yep. 

Her car wasn’t in the driveway either, not that she had keys, but …

“Okay,” Sarah was bent over laughing with her knees squeezed tight together. “Figure out a way to break in, cause I have to pee.”

Debbie was about to drop her bag and head around back to see if she could shimmy through the basement window that never seemed to shut right when the front door opened and both her boys stood there laughing as well.

Chris held his phone up, was clearly recording the event. “We were wondering when you were going to figure out that you couldn’t get in.”

Brian walked down the few stairs and then hugged her tight. “Welcome home, Mom.”

*~*

Sadie followed her from room to room all evening. She liked the boys, well as much as she had liked the Sara(h)s, but there was something a little beautiful in having the dog like Debbie best. Chris had picked up dog biscuits, apparently the really tasty kind. Chris was higher on Sadie’s list of people she liked than his brother. Brian had the calculating look in his eye before he left when he plans to best Chris. Debbie was certain she was going to have to walk Sadie a lot.

Chris was staying the night, and they’d brought back the cars once they’d played their prank. After she hugged her oldest good night Chris called her into the kitchen.

He was sitting at the table with a large notebook, a small notebook, a few pencils, and his phone had his calculator ap open. 

“What are we doing?” She pulled out a chair across from him. It was their standard seating for big discussions as long as they’d been in the house.

“I just wanted to go over some finances with you. Figure out what you can live on, what you need to get from the house, what- “

Debbie cut him off short. “No. We are not having this conversation, Chris.”

“Mom, if he’s jerking you around, I want to- “

“No.” Debbie reached her hand across the table to hold onto her baby. “If anyone is jerking me around, it’s my job to deal with it. And he’s not. Your father is being …” She didn’t want to say horrible things about Ted. If Ted was a jerk to her, then it was to her. As picky and dickish as he was being about some things, he was perfectly fair about others. Some of his paycheck still went into their joint account to cover the household expenses, or what Ted already thought of as alimony. And he’d never taken anything away from her, he just seemed to want … He seemed to want to be cashed out as well as just out.

But that wasn’t Chris’ responsibility to deal with.

“Who taught you to do this?” She asked with a smile. When he looked confused she went on. “Sometimes you are so much like me. Figuring it all out, pros, cons, costs, profits. Notebooks, pencils. Hope for the best, prepare for financial ruin.” She petted at his hand again. “I’m okay. Your father is right, I don’t spend the way I could. I save for rainy days, and while it might be dark enough to look like it’s going to downpour, it’s really only sprinkling out. I have an umbrella, boots, and now a dog too.”

She felt tears at the back of her eyes. “Don’t worry about me and money.” She wanted to tell him to sit his father down as she’d overheard Brian talking about some of the things Ted had spent on while she’d been in Ohio. But that was all better left for more of an ‘in your face’ when Ted’s life started raining hard.

“Now, what do you think of me getting a National Parks pass? I want to start dragging Sadie out for hikes everywhere.”


	24. Chapter 24

She doubled checker her list. Which felt strange, redundant, and a little funny. The movers coming in the morning wouldn’t have a lot to take to storage. Debbie had less to take with her to Brian’s. She just had the two bags she’d run away with almost three month’s ago. And she had Sadie. And Sadie’s stuff.

The movers were coming at seven. Kara was sending two of her employees at ten to clean. The closing was at eleven.

A shiny new family would be moving in before the sun went down tomorrow. She’d met them, a nice couple with a four-year-old and a baby due within a month. Debbie couldn’t imagine moving in the summer and eight months pregnant.

Which was probably the reason she’d gotten her first client for Kara’s new division venture.

Mr. Moving-in was as smitten with Debbie’s house as his wife was, but they needed the sale contingent on selling the house they were in. They were also desperate to know who the sellers had gotten to stage as there was no way Mrs. Moving-in could manage and they were desperate to get out of their cramped two bedroom. Debbie wasn’t quite sure why it didn’t fall into Mr. Moving-in’s lap, but… new job.

It was two weeks to get the small ranch looking spacious. Three weeks until it sold and another four to their closing that was set to be an hour before Debbie’s.

It was another six weeks to go until the divorce would be final.

Ted had been generally decent. He wanted out fast, though. They tallied everything, figured alimony, split their assets accordingly so that Debbie would be getting a lump sum instead of monthly payments. They’d seen the judge and now it was just a matter of waiting for the magic date.

She walked around the house, her sneakers making echoing squeaks on the hardwood. Sadie’s nails clacked and reverberated.

It was not the same house she’d moved into a million years before. The wall separating the hall from the living room was long gone. The kitchen cabinets had been the previous owner’s makey-do attempt at Mid-Century Modern in a Victorian. But that was two kitchens ago.

There was one less bedroom on the second floor, but there was a master suite and a larger common bath. The attic was now a climate-controlled guest suite/man cave/media room. There was an actual laundry room in the cellar rather than just a couple of machines with a slop sink on a dirt floor.

Debbie remembered the hopefulness she felt the day they moved in. The dozens of possible futures that she could see as she stripped eighties wall paper. The plans she had for ‘someday’ when the place started taking shape.

She’d never hoped or planned or considered what she had in front of her now. But she still had hope. She sat on the top step of her rear stoop, running her fingers across Sadie’s head while she watched the sun set through her about to be old neighbor’s trees.

*~*

Debbie sat at the lawyers’ office rolling her eyes at Ted as he whined about his new girlfriend’s terrible taste in music. She didn’t know what he expected from a girl (and yes, she was a woman but still, she was a girl) who was six years older than Brian. Brian was horrified, even more so when Dan recognized her as someone he had gone on a date with in high school. Chris asked that he not have to call her ‘Mom’. Debbie just hoped she was smart enough to say no if Ted was dumb enough to ask. She wouldn’t bet on it. But she had that hope she’d been looking for.

She had another appointment with Jim before dinner to see another small house that he thought she’d like. She liked the idea of not plowing or shoveling or mowing, but she didn’t love the idea of most cookie-cutter condos. She liked the idea of a small fenced in yard of her own, but everything she’d been looking at also felt cookie-cutter. She’d find something. She wasn’t rushing.

Brian and his husband told her she could stay as long as she liked, but she knew that was fine for the first two weeks and then they’d be as sick of her as she would be of being in a household that she couldn’t run. She had weekends away planned. With the Sara(h)s, alone, and even one with Liz. She had two more clients to help declutter their homes, and she could go to Kara’s to do her books. But as much as she needed to find the right place, she needed to do it soon.

Sarah had suggested a therapist. And while Debbie did balk at it a bit, she had also thrown her shit in two bags and run away. The therapist helped, as much as Tracy did at the shelter. She was beginning to accept herself for all the things that Ted didn’t want from her. She wasn’t wrong for being a planner, for needing someone to take care of, and Ted wasn’t wrong for wanting to spend and be spontaneous (although there were moments where Debbie was happy to agree to disagree on that point). She was learning skills from the doctor, and neither of them thought the counseling was something Debbie needed long term.

But Sadie was … a savior. Happy to sit around and binge watch Netflix. Happy to climb in the new-to-Debbie Jeep and go for a ride. And while she wasn’t thrilled with all the walking and ‘field trips’ she did them anyway. Sadie was getting healthier, and so was Debbie. Because it was beautiful to have someone to lean on when you were crying who wanted you to stop crying without yelling at you to stop crying. Someone who wanted you to stop crying just because they want you to be happy.

Sara had tried to get Debbie to sign up for an on-line dating site, Debbie wasn’t ready. Liz, of all people, had tried to set her up on three occasions. Debbie absolutely wasn’t ready for that. She didn’t feel that she needed it just yet. Debbie found herself a bit excited about living on her own for what would truly be the first time ever. She really wanted her own place.

An hour and a hand cramp later, Debbie walked away from the lawyers’ office feeling freer than she had since Ted left. Probably freer than she had ever felt. 

She clapped her hands as if dusting them off. That was that. She started up the bright blue Jeep ready for the next thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it folks.  
> Thank you all so much for all the reading you've done. It's felt amazing to be egged into writing so much and get this much support. Honestly, I wouldn't have done it all without you. It's such a big thing to have come from seeing a woman hitch hike on my way to work one moring.
> 
>  
> 
> I truly cannot thank you all enough. It means the world to me!


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